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Good Communication

10/28/2014

5 Comments

 
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After years of fluency-shaping speech therapy, I finally found a different approach when I learned about desensitization and stuttering acceptance. It was a huge relief to learn that there was another option for people who stutter: one that didn't necessarily involve fluency. The idea that I could be content with the way I talked while still stuttering was never an option to me before, and it honestly changed my life. Since then, I've managed to overcome a lot of the frustration that I used to feel every time my speech wouldn't cooperate.

There's so much I value about desensitization, but lately I've been thinking about the inevitable risks we face in self-help and speech therapy, even when the goal is self-acceptance. For me, the notion that people who stutter can be good communicators was incredibly exciting. I continue to feel empowered when I list all the options I have while speaking: even if I'm not fluent, I can make "good" eye contact, listen well, express excitement about whatever I'm talking about, and communicate openness about my stutter. But the idea of a "good communicator" seems risky, and it's become important for me to remind myself not to overvalue "good communication." I worry that this phrase promotes a normalized idea of speech: one that makes room for stuttering, but only if it's surrounded by other qualities of good communication, some of which may be out of reach for many speakers.

So how can we push back that inevitable narrative of speech therapy--and disability-- that values overcoming? How can people who stutter keep from aspiring toward some model of speaking, without looking at the forces that shape the idea of "good communication?" I love many things about the idea that good communication doesn't mean fluency, but it's easy for this notion to go from being empowering to being another way that we tell ourselves that our speech is inadequate. Instead of failing at being fluent, I was failing at communicating well, failing at adequately owning my stutter, or failing at maintaining eye contact.

That's why it's so important for all people who stutter to become educated about disability theory: to consider the forces that normalize speech, and that require us to appropriately handle our stutter-- whether that means concealing it, regulating it with fluency-shaping techniques, or treating it with the proper amount of levity and openness. Without this dimension added to speech therapy or to self-help, the techniques we learn for "good communication" are just another form of easy onset. Both work toward standard speech without considering the forces that reject and stigmatize "bad communication"-- or disabled communication.

I'm still in speech therapy, and I still want to do all the things I wrote about above: stutter more easily, maintain eye contact, communicate openness. A lot of speech therapy, for me, is about fighting back against the techniques-- and shame-- I learned during fluency-shaping speech therapy. But, at the same time, I want to love my speech at all times: when I'm stuttering, when I'm blocking, when I'm using filler words, when I'm avoiding certain sounds. These habits may have come from a history of anti-stuttering therapy, but they're still a part of my voice, and a part of me. I went from hating myself when I stuttered to hating myself when I wasn't being a "good communicator": different scenarios, but the feelings that come afterward are eerily similar.

In both cases, I was failing the expectations of my listener: being awkward, vulnerable, visibly embarrassed, and, above all, unable to make them comfortable-- whether by achieving fluency, maintaining eye contact, or "communicating well." Is there a way to let go of the idea that people who stutter have an obligation to make their listener comfortable? To make these techniques an option, without making them an obligation? Along with openness, and easy stuttering, and eye contact, I want to look closer at "bad communication" and how it works-- because, even though it's "messy" (as Zach puts it in his blog post from September), it still communicates.

-Emma

5 Comments
Doreen Lenz Holte
10/28/2014 03:48:12 am

Hi Emma -- I'm the parent of an 18-year old who stutters and author of "Voice Unearthed: Hope, Help, and a Wake-Up Call for the Parents of Children Who Stutter." We found that the therapy our son received until he was nine only added layers (and layers) of anxiety around talking - causing him to struggle more, speak less, and socially withdraw. I love your focus on good communication rather than talking without stuttering. Once good communication skills are lost, so much else is lost too -- whether or not one stutters. I'm going to provide a link to this on my Voice Unearthed Facebook page as I think parents can gain a lot through your insights. Thank you.
Best,
Dori Lenz Holte

Reply
Emma
10/30/2014 12:28:54 am

Hi Dori, thank you for your comment! I agree, it's so easy to add layers around stuttering during speech therapy. I wish more speech therapists were aware of that fact. It seems like a lot of them treat stuttering as though it's much simpler than it actually is. But yes, looking at what we can do during speech while still stuttering is really empowering.

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Pamela Mertz link
10/28/2014 05:43:27 am

Wow, this is a powerful piece. I have reached the stage in my own personal stuttering journey that I no longer apologize, allow myself to be vulnerable and consider myself to be a very effective communicator, even when I am stuttering really well.

It took me a long time to reach this place - a lo of soul searching, breaking away from my own "covert closet" and liking my stuttering.

Your part about us needing to make listeners feel comfortable about stuttering really struck a chord with me - I like to think that's not my responsibility, but I do it sometimes. I advertise that I stutter in order to let the listeners know what to expect, so that they won't react weirdly or negatively to my stutter.

Thanks for sharing this. I host a podcast for women who stutter to tell and share their stories, which can be found on my blog. I'd love to have you on as a guest sometime.

Pam

Reply
Emma
10/30/2014 12:35:38 am

Pam, thank you so much for reading. I would love to be a guest on the podcast! It's interesting to think about how women who stutter experience stuttering differently.

That's really amazing that you've gotten to a place where you never apologize. I think a lot of what I was trying to get at in this blog post has to do with letting myself be vulnerable: whether that means stuttering openly, or not feeling bad when my (sometimes negative!) emotions show through when I speak. It's hard for me to let go of control in conversation, but of course that just leads to more tension. So it's great to hear that showing vulnerability when speaking is an option.

I like advertising a lot too. I think I am going to try to reframe advertising/stuttering openly as making my listener speak on my terms, rather than making them comfortable. I like the idea of making a conversation fit my disfluent speech pattern and needs, and letting go of trying to fit into someone else's model for speech, if that makes sense.

Again, thanks so much for your comment, Pam!

Reply
stammer cure therapies link
12/28/2014 07:11:47 pm

Thanks for sharing this. I host a podcast for women who stutter to tell and share their stories, which can be found on my blog. I'd love to have you on as a guest sometime.

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